The Wrestling Match of the Century

Man Cave Thoughts 5-10-13

Sophia is 37 weeks and 5 days.  She’s considered full term.  Sarah and I have our bags packed, our lists made, and her room set up with all the cute trimmings to welcome her into this world.  But with our countdown nearing its end, more of the feelings that I’ve put aside have resurfaced.  I can still remember coming home to Rachel and Alan’s house after our first major ultrasound, trying to wrap our minds around the news we had received from the doctor about Sophia.  All the numbers and statistics about her chance to survive, and another set of numbers if she lived past her 1st birthday, seemed to float around our heads as we started this journey.  I remember us both thinking, “It’s just not fair.” 

Over the years, God has been gracious in continually revealing more and more about Himself to us.  His limitless strength, his infinite wisdom, and his unending love have more than made their appearance in our lives these last few months.  Whenever we’ve been hurting and lacking in our faith, He would comfort us and strengthen our faith.  Whenever we have been in despair after hearing less than encouraging news about our baby girl, He has given us more hope than what the world could ever offer.  But it seems as though perspective has a lot to do with what we’re focused on and what has the power to bring us down.  I can only speak for myself, but whenever I have felt sad and discouraged, I’ve been only looking at myself.  I can’t see beyond my little circle because I’m blinded by my own pain and heart ache. 

In those times, I wrestle with thoughts of how God can let this happen to us, His children.  At times, it feels like a tug of war match in my head.

One side says, “Dave, you know it’s for His glory.  You can’t begin to understand how this may affect other people and how this can ultimately bring others to know the love of Jesus Christ.  So stop being so selfish and get over it.”

The other side says, “But God is love.  (1 John 4: 7, 8, 16) So how can you say that God doesn’t care about your pain?  He knows your heart ache and mourns with us.”

So you see, in my head, I’m wrestling with how God will allow these things to happen to his children that he loves so dearly, while giving Himself glory.  This is something everyone who has experienced loss has probably thought of once or twice.  It’s a complexly intertwined plan that only Our Father can fully understand.  All the while, leaving me thinking, “It’s just not fair.”

Sarah told me a story tonight about a doctor in the states that was recently turned into the police for doing late term abortions.  The ones she gave examples of were of babies around 26 weeks.  So forget babies the size of your pinky nail, or something you can only see with a magnifying glass.  A 26 week fetus is roughly 14 inches long and weighs in at 2 pounds.  These babies would sometimes still move after the abortion, only to have their spinal cord cut by the doctor.  These babies and so many others were not given the chance at life.  Whether it be a child out of wedlock, a terminal diagnosis, or someone just not ready for parenthood, the decision at the end of the day was that the baby had no say at whether or not it wanted to give life a try. 

After the story, Sarah shared a beautiful thought.  Remember, that up until this point, my circle was only big enough to fit me and my pain.  She said that so many babies don’t get to choose life if the doctor says they have a problem.  They never get a fighting chance because the choice is made for them.  What if this really isn’t about our choice as parents to have a perfectly healthy child?  What if this is about God giving this baby a chance, to parents He KNEW would keep her no matter what the diagnosis, no matter what the statistic, and no matter what the long term outcome would be?  Well… that changes everything then.  Then instead of a small circle of pain, my circle grows a bit bigger to include Sophia, and changes from pain to privilege.  God has privileged Sarah and I to take care of this wonderful, special little girl.  And as He always faithfully provides, He will give us his strength, wisdom and love in these difficult times, but it’s not just for us anymore.  It’s also for Sophia.  

Thriving in the storm

 

This entire pregnancy has continued to be a roller coaster of emotions.  I have the highest of highs and the lowest of lows.

The past few weeks were very challenging for me in many different ways.  I was constantly fighting the feeling of fear, dread, and hopelessness as I thought about our baby girl.  I just couldn’t stand to think that I could lose her at any moment.

In the same week we were writing out our birth plan, we had to meet with my parents to discuss funeral arrangements for her in case she doesn’t survive the delivery, or dies shortly after birth.  Never in my wildest imagination did I think I’d have to deal with emotional situations like these.  It’s almost impossible for your mind to prepare for the life and death of your child at the same time.

Sophia’s first “fancy dress” given to her by her Auntie Becca

At my 34 week ultrasound appointment the scan showed she hadn’t grown much since her 32 week appointment. I had made a goal for her to weigh 4 pounds by that appointment, and she was still far off from it. Unfortunately, I was at that appointment alone and I tried my hardest not to cry in front of the doctors. When I got home I was alone (Dave was at work still) and I sobbed harder than I have in a very long time. I was literally yelling out loud “Why, God, why? Why are you doing this to me? Why did this have to happen to my little girl? It’s not fair. It’s not fair, it’s not fair, it’s not fair…”

My body was shaking with sobs, so much to the point I was afraid I would put myself into early labor, so I managed to calm myself down.

The blanket on the bottom was made my Aunt Nancy, and the quilt on top was made by all the fabulous women at my baby shower in Chicago.

 

After Dave came home I told him the results of the ultrasound and he didn’t seemed fazed by them at all.  I didn’t understand how he couldn’t be upset like I was.  I asked him, and he simply told me that he didn’t put his faith or hope in something as inconclusive as an ultrasound scan.  He told me that he wouldn’t give up all hope because of where a doctor placed two markers on a fuzzy picture of our baby and a computer calculated a weight.  He knew that God was in control of Sophia’s life and that it really didn’t matter what doctors tell us or ultrasounds seem to show.  God will have the final say, and only God knows what Sophia’s life will be like.

I was floored by how grounded he was and by his faith.  He told me that although it’s great to have expectations and hopes for our baby girl, I can’t put all my faith in numbers and calculations.  It wasn’t right that I was letting something like an ultrasound completely take away my faith and shake me to the core.  That just showed that I was putting my faith in things and not in the Creator of all things.  Needless to say I was convicted, and encouraged.

My mom made this polka dot changing table organizer that hangs on both sides of the dresser

 

As we went to bed that night we took out Sophia’s Bible like we usually do. 

Side note: For the past month or so we’ve been reading through the Jesus Storybook, out loud, so that Sophia can hear the amazing truths about her Creator.  It has been such an amazing experience for us, and I’m so glad we decided to do it.  This children’s Bible is amazing! I would recommend it for every household, even if you don’t have children.  The simplicity in which the stories are told is so refreshing, and every story, even if from the Old Testament, shows how it is pointing to Christ.

That night we happened to be reading the story about Jesus calming storm on the lake (from Mark 4 and Matthew 8).

The quilt was handmade by my dear friend Leah

Here is part of the story from the Jesus Storybook:

The storm blew the water into towering waves that hurled the little boat up, up, up—then sent it hurling, CRASHING back down, down, down!  The fishing boat was blown and buffeted and tossed and turned—back and forth and up and down and left and right and round and round!

And in the middle of the storm, Jesus was sleeping.”

 

 

I stopped reading because it was a perfect illustration of how my life felt at that moment. My life felt like a boat right in the middle of a hurricane, and I felt most hurt because it seemed like Jesus was just sleeping. In the middle of my storm it was so hard to feel Him sometimes. And often I wondered, how can he sleep at a time like this?

 

But I read on:

But the storm wasn’t too big for Jesus. “HELP,” they screamed. “Wake up! Quick, Jesus!” Jesus opened His eyes. “Rescue us! Save us!” the shrieked. “Don’t you care?” (Of course Jesus cared, and this was the very reason he had come—to rescue them and to save them.) Jesus stood up and spoke to the storm.

“Hush!” he said. That’s all.

And then the strangest thing happened…

Winnie the Pooh was mine when I was a baby, and the bear was made by my friend Denise

Immediately the wind stopped. The water calmed down. It glittered innocently in the moonlight and lapped quietly against the side of the boat, as if nothing had happened. Then Jesus turned to his wind-torn friends. “Why were you scared?” he asked. “Did you forget who I Am? Did you believe your fears, instead of me?”

Jesus’ friends had been so afraid, they had only seen the big waves. They had forgotten that, if Jesus was with them, then they had nothing to be afraid of.

No matter how small their boat—or how big the storm.

 

Right then and there I knew that I had forgotten that Jesus was in the boat with me. That amongst all the tears, doubts, stresses, uncertainties, and fears Jesus had never left me. Even if I felt that He was sleeping, He was still there, and He was still in control. I had chosen to believe in my fears instead of the promises of His Word. I had been spending too much time staring at the ginormous tsunami-sized waves in front of me that I had totally forgotten that the One who created those waves was still with me.

And He was just waiting for me to acknowledge His presence.

 

Most of these books were mine as a little girl

 

That’s the amazing thing about God.  He never leaves us or forsakes us, but at the same time He does not usually force His presence on us.  He patiently waits for us to call out to Him, and He is right there.  But still, we have to call out to Him.

I had been calling out to Him every night in prayer, but was not truly trusting in Him.  I kept asking Him to give me a sign that she’s ok, when all I needed was to know that He is good.

 

 

These past few days my attitude and emotions have completely changed. I find that I am truly excited to go into labor and see my little girl (well ok, I’m not excited about the labor part, but I don’t think anyone is!)  Instead of walking by her nursery and having tears well up in my eyes, I get a flutter in my stomach of nervous and anxious butterflies.  I’ve packed a bag full of clothes for her to wear at the hospital, and have put up more decorations in her nursery. 

God is giving me the strength and hope to prepare for her life.

 

Curtains I made for my little girl

 

The storm around me hasn’t gone away.  We still don’t know how long she will live, or what physical condition she will be in at birth.  The storm hasn’t gone away, no, but I am learning how to thrive in the storm and not tremble in it.  I am learning to trust that even if Jesus is sleeping in the boat, He is still there.  And even when it seems like the storm is at it’s worst and it’s too late for a rescue, all He has to do is speak one word and the seas will calm.

Sophia’s ultrasounds could show us the worst prognoses and it still wouldn’t be too late for her.  Jesus could still choose to “calm the sea” right as she is being born.  Or right after.

Or never at all.  And He’d still be there with Dave and I, and our families, and He would still give us His grace which is sufficient for all things.

 

Lily the stuffed dog represents our real dog, Lily, whom we had to leave in the U.S.

 

I love my daughter with all my heart, and I know that so many of you love her too.  I ask that you continue to pray for her, with urgency, as we quickly approach her delivery.  Pray that she will be able to breathe on her own and that we would hear her beautiful cry when she comes out.  Pray that she does not have Trisomy-13 and that her holoprosencephaly is the least severe kind.

My due date is May 26th, but of course she could come at any time.  Dave or I will try and keep the blog updated with news of her arrival as we find time.

 

The banner was made by Auntie Rachel and reads “Cute As A Button” which was the theme of Sophia’s shower, and now her nursery.

Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble,
and he brought them out of their distress.
He stilled the storm to a whisper;
the waves of the sea were hushed.
They were glad when it grew calm,
and he guided them to their desired haven.

-Psalm 107:28-30

Cute as a button!

 

*In case you couldn’t tell, these photos are all from Sophia’s nursery*

Babymoonin’ at the beach-part 2

Check out part 1 here!

That first night at Oasis we were awakened to the loud sounds of thunder and an intense storm.  It was setting the tone for the next day’s weather, unfortunately.  Because it rained off and on the entire next day, we never made it back to the beach.  But, after assessing our nasty sunburn we weren’t too upset about that.

Before lunch we just lazed around Oasis, which is easy to do.  They have a room full of books, and it is generally a very quiet and peaceful atmosphere (although there were LOTS of children there the first day!).

We found a guitar so Dave was able to get in some quality playing time.

Love him!

They also have a huge trampoline that, in the past, I have had a great time with.  However, the idea of a 33 week pregnant lady flying through the air didn’t seem to be such a great idea, so I stayed grounded.

 

After lunch, and after the rain subsided, we decided to drive around the area and take in some of the sights.  First,  we went to one of the few surfing beaches in the area.

 

Some of the surfers sort of looked like they knew what they were doing, but there were a few that just kept getting pounded by the waves.  I felt really sorry for them!

Close by the beach was a grassy area that held an old army bunker.  Dave was brave enough to actually go inside this old, overgrown, scary, cement dungeon.  Of course he was armed with his flashlight!

 

All around the beach was this amazing plant called a “shy plant.”  When you touched the leaves of the plant it would automatically wither away and look like it had died.  But a few minutes later the leaves would open back up again.  We had a great time stomping on them and watching them “die” only to see them “come alive” a few minutes later.

This is the plant, for all you botanists out there.  Anyone know it’s real name?

After we left the surfing beach we went to a tourist destination known as “the windy place.”  It is a huge cliff that overlooks the ocean and on most days is extremely windy.  Hence the name “the windy place.”

 

Thankfully it wasn’t very windy that day because I was a little afraid of being blown off the edge of the cliff. I should have known my big ol’ belly would anchor me down.  Still, I didn’t take any chances and stayed very far away from any edges.

Can you spot the water buffalo?

The view from the “windy place” is so breathtaking that it never gets old, no matter how many times you go (I had already been there a number of times during my previous trips to Taiwan).  I love being able to take in the beauty of God’s creation!

Later that night we took advantage of the fact that my parent’s friends were staying at a nice resort with some awesome amenities.  We tagged along as their “guests” and got to go bowling and Dave was able to do some indoor archery.

Here is Katniss Everdeen Dave getting ready to hit that bull’s eye!

And the final results?

To be truthful, most of the arrows were already very bent when he got them, so shooting accurately was next to impossible.  He did get one bull’s eye, though!

Bowling while pregnant is definitely not easy.  I was afraid of slipping on the floor and/or hurting my back by hurling a heavy ball.  I’m not normally a “good” bowler, but with my pregnancy inhibitions I really stunk.  Like a-gutter-ball-almost-every-time stunk.  After 5 frames I just stopped and let Dave use my turns to “experiment” (i.e. bowl left handed).

As soon as I heard we were going to bowl I wanted to take this picture.  His is bigger, but mine is the real deal!

The next morning we had to return to Kaohsiung early, due to fear of mass traffic jams.  We arrived home safely, never once having been stuck in traffic.

So what is my opinion of a babymoon? I think it’s a great idea to get away one last time before your little one comes.  I also think it’s very hard to sleep in any bed but your own when you’re 7 1/2 months pregnant, so take your vacation a little earlier if you can.

It’s so amazing to think that next time we pack our bags it will be to go to the hospital to meet our little girl! 

PS: 99% of the photos in this post and in part 1 were all taken by Dave!

Babymoonin’ at the beach- part 1

 

Last weekend Dave and I set out on our last vacation as a family of “two” before we become “three”--also known as the “babymoon.”  Well, technically it was the “four” of us because we decided to invite our favorite double dating couple, my parents.

We just so happened to have 3 days off work, due to a national holiday, so it was the perfect time to go.  Or so we thought.

You see, since we are teachers, the only vacation days we get are the same vacation days as the rest of the country.  Which means everyone is trying to squeeze in a vacation at the same time, usually at the same 4 or 5 locations, one of which being our babymoon destination—Kenting. 

And in case the national holiday didn’t increase the number of people in the small beach town enough, one of the largest music festivals in Taiwan just so happened to also be that weekend in the town.  Sooo in order to avoid some massive traffic (part of the trip is only a 2-lane road), we left at 6. AM. 

It only takes about 1 1/2 hours to get there, so we arrived right around 8:30 A.M.  Of course our rooms weren’t ready to be moved in to yet, but thankfully the place we were staying let us leave all of our suitcases in the lobby.  We changed into our swimsuits and then went snorkeling!

This is a little pier area (right next to the nuclear power plant—yikes!) where we snorkeled.

 

It was low tide by the time we got there, so we had to wade out a bit in our flippers before the water was high enough to swim in.  Word to the wise: walking in flippers while pregnant is not a good idea.

After snorkeling for a bit, we went to our favorite beach in the Kenting area, White Sand Beach.

That’s my dad in his awesome beach hat. 

 

Although it was only around 10 AM when we got there, the beach was already getting pretty crowded with umbrellas and tourists.  Luckily we were able to snag an umbrella in a pretty prime spot.

 

If you’ve never been to Taiwan you must know that the large majority of people at the beach never actually go swimming.  They sit under their umbrellas watching the ocean, or maybe their children play in the sand.  They will occasionally go up to the water’s edge and get their feet wet, but that’s mostly it.  So you can imagine the spectacle our American family can be with our brightly colored inner tubes and “let’s go ride some waves” mentality.  The fact that I was pregnant was just icing on the cake.

The water was a bit cold at first, but once you got used to it, it felt great!

Oh, and I completely forgot the large groups of tourists who come to the beach just to take pictures.  Of themselves.  Lots and lots and lots of pictures of themselves.  All throughout the day we got to witness lots of this:

    

Now it might not seem too strange to see people snapping a few quick shots at a beach in America, but these photo sessions literally would go on for 45 minutes at a time.  I mean come on, how many pictures do you need to post on Facebook?  Geesh!

We spent 4 hours at the beach, got thoroughly “sun kissed,” and decided it was time to head back to our “hotel”, called Oasis. It’s actually a missionary retreat center that is reserved for missionaries and their guests.  It’s basically a big house with guest rooms in it.  More of a B & B actually.

Each room has a country theme, and our room was the “Australia room.”  If you’re wondering what the strange thing on the far bed is, it’s a pregnancy pillow.  It has been a life back saver to me and it goes wherever I go.  Dave and I affectionately refer to it as “the snake.”

After getting cleaned up and eating dinner, we headed out to a local tourist attraction—fire in the ground.  It’s basically an area where natural gas and something else is coming up from the ground which causes natural flames to form.  People go there just because it’s an interesting thing to look at, but also to cook food over the open flames and set off fireworks.  Lots of fireworks.

It was the kind of place that would never be allowed/legal in the US.  People were setting off bottle rockets and all sorts of fireworks left and right, in a relatively small area.  We even saw a group of people trying to get a huge paper lantern to float in the sky.

Sorry for the blurry photo, but it was very dark outside!

The pyromaniac in Dave loved all of the fire, but I have to admit I was a little nervous the entire time with all the fireworks buzzing around our heads. 

2 things about this picture:

1. The reason I look so tall is because I’m standing on a ledge and Dave is not

2. Read the sign.  All of the things it mentions were definitely happening, and the fireworks and food are all sold by vendors in the parking lot.

 

That first night at Oasis we were awakened to the loud sounds of thunder and an intense storm.  It was setting the tone for the next day’s weather, unfortunately.  Because it rained off and on the entire next day, we never made it back to the beach.  But, after assessing our nasty sunburn we weren’t too upset about that.

Stay tuned for part 2 of our babymoon adventure!

30.5 weeks

 

Today I had another doctor’s appointment with an ultrasound and I thought you all deserve an update on baby Sophia.  First of all, her head continues to measure quite small, which our doctor said is normal for a baby with her “condition.”  Basically, because some of her brain matter did not develop, her head size did not grow as a “normal” baby’s head would.  The good news is that her body weight continues to increase!  Today her estimated weight was around 1200 grams, or 2.6 pounds.  That weight is on the small size of things, but is not far behind “normal” at all.  Considering the estimated body weight is determined by head size and body length (and we already know her head is small) it’s pretty great that she’s staying closely on track with other “normal” babies.

Another bit of good news today was that she is now positioned “head down.”  The last few appointments she has been breech, or “head up”, which would eliminate the possibility for me to have a normal vaginal birth.  The fact that she is no longer breech (although she could flip around again, she is quite the mover and shaker!) is great not only for delivery purposes, but because most doctors consider a baby’s ability to rotate to the “head down” position as one of their first milestones.  Many babies with brain defects are breech before birth because their brains simply aren’t telling them to turn upside down to get ready for birth.  Her ability to move herself from breech to a normal position gives me great hope!  Please keep praying that she stays in the “head down” position and that she will not move back to a breech position again.

The baby’s heart, lungs, kidneys, spine, arms, legs, and everything else from the neck down continues to look perfectly healthy.  The doctor did note that my amniotic fluid seemed to be a little high (usually it’s always been normal.)  She said this could be normal for a baby with Sophia’s “condition” because they can have trouble swallowing the fluid like a “normal” baby.  But I told her that Sophia gets hiccups at least once or twice a day, so I believe she is drinking the fluid just fine.

Today we also discussed what kind of care we’d like the hospital staff to offer Sophia after she is born.  Our doctor wanted to know just how many interventions we’d like them to offer her, and for how long.  Since every part of Sophia (besides her brain and facial features) seems absolutely normal, we have every reason to believe she will survive after birth.  The real big problem could be if her brain stem is underdeveloped and simply won’t tell her body to breathe on it’s own.  As long as her brain is able to tell her body to breathe, she should be able to survive.  So I told the doctor that we want the nurses and other doctors to treat her as if she was a “normal” child.  We want them to do any interventions necessary that will help her live.  If she is born and it becomes obvious that she simply won’t be able to breathe on her own (because of the brain’s defects) then we’ll have to make the decision on keeping her alive.  But that’s a decision I pray we’ll never have to make.  The doctor gave me the impression that the nurses and medical staff will in fact do whatever they can to help Sophia, and will treat her as any other baby that is born.  That is such a HUGE answer to prayer since many babies in America like Sophia are treated as “not compatible with life” and therefore doctors do not want to offer any type of interventions to help save their lives.

I can just see God’s hand in everything related to Sophia.  When we first got pregnant with her and found out about her problems I couldn’t understand why God was giving us all this at a time when we were preparing to move to another country. All I could think was that there was something in Taiwan that was going to be better for Sophia, and better for us, than what we could get in America.  I’m beginning to think that it’s the attitude and compassion I’ve sensed from the doctors here.  I used to absolutely dread going to see the doctors in America because they always seemed so cold and sure that our baby was just going to die.  While in Taiwan I’ve experienced the absolute opposite and I know that this was all a part of God’s plan.

He is so so so good, guys!  Even in the midst of dealing with a high risk pregnancy I can see His compassion and His love.  He already knows how long Sophia will live.  He already knows the exact day she will be born and if she will be delivered naturally or via C-section.  He already knows what kind of nurses I will have and how the doctors will treat Sophia.  He already knows it because He already planned it all out.  All I have to do is sit back and trust in Him, which of course is much easier said than done.  Lately I’ve been feeling very anxious about the labor and delivery, and what will come after, but I’ve felt God just reminding me to relax and trust Him.  My worrying is not going to change His will.  My worrying is not going to add one more second to Sophia’s life.  Please pray that I will continue to trust in God more and more and to lean on Him for strength.

This week we’re finally going to start setting up her nursery.  I’ll admit that I’ve been battling quite a bit with my decisions regarding her nursery.  On one hand I want to be able to buy furniture, decorate, and set up her nursery with faith that she will come home from the hospital with us and eventually be able to live in that room.   On the other hand I’ve been afraid to do any of that because it means there is a possibility that one day it will all have to be taken down and put away.  I had to really think about what I’d be able to handle emotionally if she passes early on.  I’ve decided that I am going to go ahead and buy some furniture and decorate some.  We won’t buy a crib until after she’s born since we have a small baby bed/basket she’ll sleep in for the first month or two.  I decided not to paint the nursery since it would be the only painted room in our house, and to me would just stick out as “Sophia’s room”.  I couldn’t bear the thought of someone asking me down the line why that was the only room that was painted and having to explain that it used to be our baby’s room.  I can’t bear the thought of having to repaint the room one day if she passes.  I know it might seem strange, but that paint just seems like something I can’t deal with.  I can have other people pack up her clothes and blankets and put them away so I can’t see them.  But it’s a much bigger deal to ask them to repaint a room.  I don’t know, to me I just can’t handle that.

So for now we’ll get enough furniture so I can wash and put away all of her new clothes and blankets, and I’ll add some semi-permanent decorations that will make it a sweet little girl’s room.  Please pray for me as I go through this process of “nesting”.  It’s usually a very special and exciting time for a mommy-to-be, but obviously I have to go through it with other possibilities in the back of my head.

Thanks again for all the prayers, friends.  You are all awesome! I want you to know that even though sometimes it takes a while for me to answer comments/Facebook posts/emails I read each and everyone of them and they truly help carry me through this entire journey.  God was so good in giving us the church family.  We love you all!